A life in pieces
Maybe you ask yourself today: "What to do when my heart, my life is in pieces? Will I one day be able to bring them together and do something, get out of it?"
All these questions I also asked myself, my life being in pieces with a disabling disease for many years, a finished marriage, a heart broken by disappointed hopes, over a long time. We then wonder if we can rebuild ourselves enough, overcome it in a way that one day be able to live fully and not just survive.
I was arrested by The art of the Kintsugi - or the art of resilience- which consists in repairing an object by emphasizing its fault lines with real gold powder, instead of trying to hide them.
I got this excellent book written by Céline Santini entitled "Kintsugi the art of resilience " which offers a whole path of reflection throughout this process. I started making my own vase.
First difficulty
I had a vase bought in a famous Swedish, white, simple, aesthetic store, which I liked a lot. I wanted to put myself in it and I found myself directly in front of my first difficulty: intentionally break this vase. My perfectionism I was forbidden to break it deliberately. "What if I broke it badly?" Yes ridiculous as a reflection but she really blocked me for a good time.
I had to start the process by admitting failure, let go "Success", including "succeeding in breaking well". A failure is never pretty, well broken, clean and clear. There are pieces, dust, bursts that we do not find, there are everywhere. Pieces that are found under the living room table when we thought we had taken all the precautions to harvest the bursts.
I had to let go. Literally. Accept breaking, give up my desire for perfection, accept the ugly. Accept what is. Without wanting to change it, transform it.
Before even wanting to repair, you have to be aware and act Everything that is wrong: the sorrows and suffering buried for so long, the denied dysfunctions, the accumulated fears that brutally surface, feel all the difficult emotions that I had not allowed myself to feel because too difficult to live. Put words on it. Also realize the "good" songs the hopes I had, a desire to live, to do what it was necessary to change, to become a better version of myself.
What is
A huge difficulty was also not to rush on a glue tube to repair in a hurry. The desire to rebuild can be so strong, even violent because of the pain of seeing all of this destroyed can push to zap the stage of just living what is. It was a very important step in the process. Highlights of very strong impatient impistoly impistooles took me and it was a real struggle to remain quiet, contemplate what is. Do not act. Living this moment of contemplation on the situation was already an action in itself.
Take stock of the pieces of life, the positive, the negative, to act what is, to make an inventory, to know what to leave. Will I rebuild my life with the same elements? Or the negative elements, will I transform them into positive elements for my lifestyle?
To be concrete, I give you an example. Let's take a piece called "mourning" I called it "celebration". I no longer want to live in mourning longer, I have marinated enough since my childhood. So I decide instead of celebrating: Celebrate life, be grateful, celebrate each of my victories and that of those around me.
Imagine that I was able to live this celebration very largely very largely: I who was in an electric wheelchair and walker, I celebrated: Celebrated my walking perimeter which was growing, celebrated to abandon the wheelchair, celebrated my cane outings and more in walker, celebrated my first outings without cane, celebrated my first steps in the mountains, so dear to my heart, celebrated My reminder, and the celebrations continue.
Fault lines, lines of force
For a long time I tried to give A good image From me, strong, "perfect", wise daughter, too wise, well in all respects when intertinement I was broken. Above all, I didn't want to show my weaknesses, fearing criticism and then feeling even more broken. The disease by the forces of things taught me to accept my weaknesses, physical already first. To ask for help, to give up appearing strong -even if I do not hide it from you, I am very stubborn and this trend sometimes wants to regain the upper hand ...
I had to learn to say: I am in pain, I am angry, I am broken, I suffer, I have faults. Exposing them on the one hand made it possible to trigger a process of restoration and healing, of connection to my deep ego, and in the end to be authentic. And what was initially my lines of faults, became my lines of force.
Since then, in my paintings made in pastel, I like to integrate lines made with the silver or gold leaf in symbol of these lines of flaw and strength.
These lines that break the smooth side of the pastel table give the end of the relief and a unique touch.
These scars of my life become my strength And the testimony of the whole path traveled. A path of healing, restoration, resurrection.
The table presented above in illustration is made at Pastel, I represented my Kintsugi vase, the very one that I broke and restored.
